I am living, loading the dishwasher,
driving the van, matching socks,
when my little ones say, “I miss God.”
I know this missing.
One day I stood in my house,
my bed, my dishes, my tables
and chairs all around, and my
heart cried, I want to go home.
These mysteries break my heart.
I watch the morning sky;
I see mars, and jupiter and venus.
They hang, glowing ornaments
on invisible trees.
Does Christ hang this way, glowing
with generosity on all our invisible trees,
a call to desire giving our last two coins,
our last bits of chocolate, our last everything?
My heart breaks for these eucharistic mysteries.
Generous Wisdom | Spacious Heart 
Your words went deep into the heart of this mother!
I also have stood in the middle of mom chaos with my heart crying out to the Father.
How can it be possible to feel that the line between blessings and burdens are
Blurred? How can I feel 100% in love with and devoted to my Family and my role, and yet have such a yearning to be with God? To be giving myself over to his strength and soothing presence?
And why must it feel like either/or and not both/and?
Hi, Angie. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. It’s interesting, after reading your comments I realize it appears that I was crying out to God to go home to him. I suppose that, indeed, I was, only I didn’t realize it until now. I remember feeling, “I want to go home,” and then realizing that (shockingly) I was, already, “home.”. I was aching to go to a place in which I felt taken care of and cared for, not ripped into a thousand pieces for the sake of a thousand needs outside myself. A place here, tangible, a place, most likely, where my mom could literally take care of me, or a place in which I felt like my true self, not some mashed-together-sort-of-me, somewhere in which I was recognized and understood. Your words help me to see something that’s recently been on the edges of my awareness: that my truest self is myself with God. And that my primary focus and effort is my relationship with him. Thank you for connecting! It is good to share the journey!
I’m thinking some more about this… It’s interesting that the days in which I spend time with God early in the morning, before anyone else wakes, are pretty good days. It seems that if I spend this God-time first, other times are manageable, and dare I say, enjoyable? ;). So, perhaps it doesn’t have to feel like either-or. Maybe it is true that when we let God feed us, we can feed others. And we are our truest selves when we live within this relationship.
Thanks for getting me thinking about this 🙂
So much to love here!! I love the little one’s words “I miss God” wow. And the response of “I know this missing.” is great and stops my heart. How many times we are overwhelmed and the “I want to go home” expresses this feeling so well. Home to the place of nurture and love and rest and sanctity. “These mysteries break my heart” while in the midst of the crying out is beautiful and stresses the reality of the speaker in the moment; accentuates the intensity. I love the “invisible trees” throughout!! Just wonderful!! And Christ hanging with “generosity on all our invisible trees” is fantastic! It is a rich image and catapults the poem to its conclusion. The “tree” image also suggests the wood of the cross. Wow. The desire to give “our last two coins/ our last bits of chocolate, our last everything” is just so powerful an ending and question at the end. Not only giving our last but to have a desire to give our “everything” is so profound and such rich, layered writing! The repetition of “my heart breaks with these eucharistic mysteries” at the end is also lovely and again powerful. This is an incredible poem Amy.!! Great work here. One of my favorites for sure!! (But I feel that way about most of your poems!) I love the dialogue above between Angie and yourself, particularly “my truest self is myself with God.” And here’s to spending time with God first thing in the morning; to let God feed us so we can feed others as you expressed so beautifully. Love and light of Christ in and around you friend!!!
Thank you so much, Cynthia. I’m so grateful for your reading and thoughtful comments. I am, indeed, glad to know that so much of what I intended came through in the poem. I’m glad, too, for what has come through on its own, without my planning. These posts/poems are windows in which I can learn, process, reflect, and live; place from which I can reach out and where God can reach in. I appreciate your constant willingness to be a reader for me. Your presence is invaluable. Love and Light to you, always!